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Looks Like It’s My Fault

I chased that guy on my first trip to India even though he told me he did not want a relationship and I knew full well how the story would end.  With me in tears.  I then wondered why I was so hurt when I got back home.  How come the fantasy as I had programmed it did not happen?

I also signed on that mortgage that promised me the American Dream, I bought into it, and my signature is still in it although the house is long gone and means nothing. I did it.  I chose not to do due-diligence and realize that snow and Fall leaves come down in New Jersey, big time, or that roofs leak, driveways get holes in them and that I was about to be left with no money for food after paying all the interest to the bank in the name of “owning a piece of land” and reassuring myself that I was a woman of substance.
James latest post resonates with me deeply.  I have tried to blame others for how thighs went in my life so many times, I probably cannot fit them on a post.  Here is an excerpt:
“You did listen to him…
It’s your fault.
She did cheat on you. He did lie to your face. She did never call you back. They never were going to refinance your house.
it’s your fault…
Here’s the advice I have for my ex, Sarah”, my friend was about to tell me. Sarah was dumping him. Or he was dumping her. I couldn’t even pretend to be interested and he knows who he is as he reads this. He wanted to tell me his advice for her.
“I don’t care,” I said. “Your advice is going to make no sense and no matter what she did, you deserve whatever it is you got, I assume you had a horrible weekend with her where you guys broke hearts, and one person cried on the floor, and you both scratched each other, and remembered three good moments from years ago, and fought, and screamed, and tore, and police were called on. I don’t care what she did. You’re no good for her and its your fault.”…”

Taking responsibility for my own actions has been and continues to be the most challenging aspect of life.  It is an everyday conversation, a constant game of “coming clean”, being really honest with myself. See the full post here



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2 Responses to Looks Like It’s My Fault

  1. the wild magnolia May 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    Coming clean, this must have been a relief. Fresh air.

  2. Claudia May 14, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    yes, fresh air is a good way to put it as a result of honesty… true