Sometimes I Sit on a Mine Field

Sometimes I sit on a mine field, and the cushion is not really a soft spot but the hard, rough territory of anger, and the body vibrates in electric shots just by noticing the thoughts that explode as the moment-by-moment “at-one-ment” attempt begins.

I am SO angry at this! And this other thing! And how dare he! And why am I here? In this oh-so-familiar place. Yet again?

Staying here, not moving, alert, in that place that scares me lifeless, is a proposition I dread. Of course. Nevertheless I stay in the huffing and puffing of the erratic, disproportionate mental fluctuations, and then, just like that, the underneath current of what is deeper is revealed.

Under all of that there is a pain at having lost someone dear, pain because a dream last night revealed what it feels like to lose someone I love, and in the way that dreams go, you feel what you think you see, even though in reality you are covered by the sheets a thousand miles away.

It is this pain I cannot face and perhaps the fabric of my subconscious throws a tantrum so I won’t see it, so I will be distracted, won’t have to observe, or, much, much worse, feel.

And so I stay. I feel that pain, take a yet deeper breath and open the nervous system to let that emotion flow freely, and a big fat tear falls down the right side of my face making its way through the freckles, travelling by the white sweater and all the way to my half crossed legs. Something softens.

Nothing pretty about being here, but what in life is? Or isn’t? And so something gives, eases, invites me to stay with it, with exactly how it feels. Terrifying, frightening, dark, hopeless.

No hope for meditation today, no hope for focusing, but that is OK.  Just by sitting and being willing to open to what really is I surrender, I feel the connection with spirit, and then it is not better, that would be too happy an ending, too unrealistic, but at least,  it just is what it is.

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9 Responses to Sometimes I Sit on a Mine Field

  1. lilasvb December 16, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

    no meditation too and very strange day

  2. Anonymous December 16, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    Yesterday I was in a very angry, confrontational place. I saw – or thought I saw a wrong I had to right. <br /><br />Later I reflected upon it and realized that maybe there was another valid way to view the situation. I could even be wrong.<br /><br />Just for today I want to choose happiness instead. Happiness is always a choice. It belongs to us when we connect to our unconditioned self –

  3. deborahsyogablog December 16, 2011 at 7:09 pm #

    ah beautiful, thank you for being so real and courageous. It inspires.

  4. Anonymous December 17, 2011 at 6:29 am #

    Hey Claud, great post!<br />Off-topic, please have a look at this (in case you haven&#39;t seen it yet):<br /><br />It&#39;s interesting and could be a future post.

  5. Claudia December 17, 2011 at 8:32 am #

    Lila, then you too ha?<br /><br />Anon, like how you included you in the last sentence<br /><br />Deborah, thank you<br /><br />Anon, that sounds scarey

  6. Kristi December 17, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    I know this place – thank you for vocalizing it for me.

  7. Claudia December 18, 2011 at 8:59 am #

    Thanks for commenting Kristi 🙂

  8. Anonymous December 18, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    thanks for communicating a state of being so poetically. life is, to me, in many ways absurd in a society that expects people to move upward somewhat linearly. but things go way up and way down in minutes sometimes and you&#39;re just left feeling what you&#39;re feeling and no one can exactly understand. but i realize also we&#39;ve all been blessed to even have the human experience. one in

  9. Claudia December 18, 2011 at 12:47 pm #

    Anon, you put it very beautiful 🙂