I am SO angry at this! And this other thing! And how dare he! And why am I here? In this oh-so-familiar place. Yet again?
Staying here, not moving, alert, in that place that scares me lifeless, is a proposition I dread. Of course. Nevertheless I stay in the huffing and puffing of the erratic, disproportionate mental fluctuations, and then, just like that, the underneath current of what is deeper is revealed.
Under all of that there is a pain at having lost someone dear, pain because a dream last night revealed what it feels like to lose someone I love, and in the way that dreams go, you feel what you think you see, even though in reality you are covered by the sheets a thousand miles away.
It is this pain I cannot face and perhaps the fabric of my subconscious throws a tantrum so I won’t see it, so I will be distracted, won’t have to observe, or, much, much worse, feel.
And so I stay. I feel that pain, take a yet deeper breath and open the nervous system to let that emotion flow freely, and a big fat tear falls down the right side of my face making its way through the freckles, travelling by the white sweater and all the way to my half crossed legs. Something softens.
Nothing pretty about being here, but what in life is? Or isn’t? And so something gives, eases, invites me to stay with it, with exactly how it feels. Terrifying, frightening, dark, hopeless.
No hope for meditation today, no hope for focusing, but that is OK. Just by sitting and being willing to open to what really is I surrender, I feel the connection with spirit, and then it is not better, that would be too happy an ending, too unrealistic, but at least, it just is what it is.