The waiter, a man I’ve seen before many times, takes a harsh look at me (in my post-yoga state) and approaches me sort of running but not too fast, as not to show it. He asks suspiciously for my room number which I provide with a blissful, after savasana-messy hair, smile. He still seems unconvinced and comes charging back: “Miss, shorts are not allowed here, you do what you want but they are not allowed”.
How did he even know I had shorts on? I had a full coat on top that covered all the way to my legs: “I come from the gym” I simplify for him. Then proceed to have breakfast anyway.
I see him talking to the manager. I look at both of them in disbelief. Did the waiter just call the manager up? Is he telling him about me? Are they going to escort me out of the sacred breakfast room where people who take care of their bodies mind and souls are not allowed? What will they charge me with? Being an aspiring yogi in a city like New York?
The manager smiles and walks by my table. He says a big smiling hello to me, makes it a point to do so, then also says a big shiny hello to another man who I doubt is alive, wonder where his IV is coming from. I guess at least he is dressed up properly.
In a word. I am unconscious
My mind has taken over. It is jumping from the past to the future in a tremendous effort to justify all the ways in which I am not worth it, cheap, a South American worthless piece of… wait a minute….
I could also make the argument against all that, I know I am worth it. I am a fighter, I came to America with zero moneys in my pockets and made it to the high ranks of corporate America, I bought a home, then lost it! Errr.. I know I am special, but then again this is ALSO JUST MIND.
|Caught in a thread of emotion and mind attacks|
In a short occurrence of things, my mind has managed to turn what IS into mental diarrhea of low self-esteem.
Big words, warm words, past words, future words, they just take me away from what is, from the now.
I slowly relax and come downstairs after a shower to write at the computer. I make it a point to feel what it is I am feeling in my body, to reconnect with the only piece of nature available to me right now in the midst of New York City, my biological body. A deep breath ensues. I am back. I am conscious.
Funny how the slightest thing that happens in the world (and there are lots of this in a city like New York), can take us out of the flow of well-being, into anger and into un-consciousness.
I think there is a movie here somewhere.