It probably felt lonely as I left it cold in the overhead compartment while I walked into the summer of BA -after five years together.
I lost ‘that’ coat.
Packing back last night I noticed it was gone and I cried.
I’m far from home, visiting family for a few days, packing and unpacking, loosing things, mourning uncles, seeing old friends… It is emotional chaos.
And now the coat is gone, and like any human being would, I broke down crying, putty face, hugging the blue airbnb pillow, salty tears flowing down and into my mouth.
I break down into little pieces for no clear reason to the outsider and simply because the wounds that make us irrational go deep and are invisible to the untrained eye.
Yes I know, things are transient, but I’m far from accepting every moment as it is, far from dropping down the ‘story’ around the coat. I want it back! I want my mummy and I want what I lost, everything I lost.
“We don’t miss whom/what we think we miss”, says a good friend, it is all a pointer to a much older trauma. I would like to know what that means because I had it with the trauma!
I say a prayer before I go to bed with my eyes swollen: “Help me let go, what do I need to understand? Thank you”
In the morning I catch the precious three seconds I get -at most- before the torture of the stream of old thinking comes rushing in. Just enough time, tick tock. I improvise.
I grab the go-to modern prayer that works well, the serenity prayer. I put it in repeat. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…
“It’s just a coat”, I hear in my mind’s ear.
Yes, my sister will lend me one to land in the snow, but I want that one. The emotional body does not get it because that is the point of being.
The vibrant body needs to make the claim with American Airlines, throw the tantrum and talk to five people, because what’s alive will not be discarded under pretext of “it’s nothing”. Life demands feeling those feelings. Ugh.
Just like I tell my two-year-old nice that the teddy bear is not gone, just in the washer and will come back soon, my own two-year-old needs reassurance.
American just texted. They haven’t found it -yet.